Paperclips
by Hawkwitch
Summary: Approx. 3 years pre-canon. Bernard's first project in DAA, ever: the notorious mass-purchase of a s***load of paperclips! And not exactly making too many friends in the process. Also, having his first tete-a-tete with a Minister and being dumb enough to say "No, Minister" twice. Warnings: foul language.


Voices could be heard from the men's toilet.  
„It would have turned out four times cheaper, if everybody had bought their paperclips from retail stores!" An assistant secretary Malcolm Rhodes yelped in an elevated tone. It could be heard into the corridor easily.  
"I simply do not understand your concern, Rhodes. Everything is done absolutely correctly and according to the rules." Bernard Woolley replied calmly. „Noone has done anything wrong. The boss approved it."  
"And this means in your book that everything is alright." Rhodes said snarkily.  
"Yes, in fact! Because it is! Or if you are really suggesting that rules should not be followed, then this... this... this would be fraud!" Woolley said in dread.  
„But this is completely beside the point! This is just foolish! An outrageous waste of tax-payer money!" Rhodes continued.  
„Well, too bad for you, but I signed the contract yesterday. And I am simply doing my job. How about you mind doing yours, pal?" Woolley suggested annoyedly.  
„This really is a triumph of stupidity over common sense!" Rhodes did not give up.  
Woolley took a little sharper tone: „Who do you call stupid here? You went to the University of Sussex, pardon me!"  
"Oh you Oxford types think you know everything, while in real life you cannot discern the wood from the trees."  
"What did you just say?! If you were a Gentleman, I would punch you for this, but since you are not, this presents a real dilemma... uhh..."  
Woolley's thinking process was interrupted by the door sharply swinging open.

"Mr. Woolley... I believe we have some bad news." Mandy said, looking uncomfortable. "And everybody is looking for you..."  
"Me? I was out meeting contractors, you know it." Bernard said incredulously. "Why'd be anybody looking for me, Mandy?"  
"Actually, The Minister wants to see you in his office as soon as possible..." Mandy said.  
"Crikey! Me? But why?" Bernard said, looking dumb.  
"It is probably a bit silly, Mr. Woolley and I am sure it is just a storm in the tea-glass, but... Mr. Rhodes has compiled a report on the paperclips deal and presented it to The Minister. I'm afraid it is unfavourable and got The Minister quite upset..."  
"Well, Mandy, there is nothing to be upset about, as there is nothing wrong with it." Bernard said firmly. "But what interests me more is, who gave him this information! That schmuck came to me asking for it, but he's just too low in the rank, so I naturally refused, as it is my duty – only deputies are authorized to make this request, pardon me."  
"I do not know..."  
"Can you find this out for me? Please?"  
"Well, I'll see what I can do, but you really should go to The Minister's office right now."

"40 million pounds on paperclips! What was on your mind, shit-for-brains?" The Minister Tom Sargent growled angrily.  
"This purchase was simply made for a very large quantity, Minister. We bought in bulk for the economies of scale." Bernard said innocently, feeling disturbed by the vulgar insult, yet not really understanding, why was The Minister so upset.  
"Economies of scale? But the report says it would have turned out four times cheaper, if everybody had bought their paperclips from retail stores! How do you explain this, fuckface?"  
"Uhh... Mr. Rhodes, the author of this report, does not have any authorized access to contract details – therefore there might be serious inaccuracies in it." Bernard said sourly, growing flustered.  
"Look, douchebag, it makes me appear very bad if it ever becomes public!" The Minister bawled.  
"No, Minister, everything is done correctly and there are no wrongdoings whatsoever."  
"I must say, you're one quite a stupid sick fuck, even by civil service standards!"  
"No, Minister!" Bernard said. "I'm just doing my job."

When Bernard left the Minister's office, Alan, The Principal Private Secretary, who had obviously been listening behind the door, snickered and said: "You are so screwed now, Woolley!"  
"We'll see that!" Bernard snapped back.

"Very embarrassing, Woolley! What on earth possessed you, that you spoke to The Minister? I have not allowed this." Sir Humphrey lamented.  
"Well, Sir, my presence was demanded urgently and I simply had no option of getting out of this..." Bernard mumbled, staring at his shoes.  
"But you should have come to me and I would have told you how to handle this situation and not upset The Minister." Sir Humphrey said sharply.  
"But I did not say or do anything inappropriate, Sir." Bernard argued.  
"Don't get impudent with me, boy!"  
"Sorry, Sir. It will not happen again." Bernard said, with a blank look.

Bernard sighed wearily and sipped some Whiskey.  
"Mandy, Mandy, put National Audit Office on the phone!" Bernard told his secretary. "This is going to be a tough one, but desperate times call for desperate measures! I believe Lady Christinsen owes my wife a favour, but I'm not above simply begging her on my knees, if this is what she wants."  
"Right away, Mr. Woolley. By the way, I believe I discovered, who gave Rhodes the information." Mandy said. "It might have been Alan."  
"Alan? Aa."

It was another regular staff meeting on Mondays, where heads of divisions explained their concerns and got further instructions from The Permanent Secretary. Bernard did not really listen, what other heads were speaking. DAA was a very dull place compared to MoD. He was just quietly waiting until he was spoken to. Alan was sitting right opposite of him. Bernard was staring at him emptily, until the latter became clearly disturbed and started fidgeting in his chair.  
"And how are our tenders progressing, Woolley?" Sir Humphrey asked pleasantly. There was no trace of his earlier anger apparent. Everybody around the table looked with overt curiosity, what Bernard would say.  
"They are progressing according to the plan, Sir. The purchase of pens is nearing its close. I'll sign the contract on Wednesday. It is 45 million pounds, which is 10% less than the initial estimate, actually. But in the other news, regarding the paperclips..."  
He dropped a file on the table. "Wherever the information for compiling the Rhodes report comes from, it does not originate from credible sources. I contacted National Audit Office and they clearly affirm that everything is done as it should be done. I believe this should end this needless debate for good."  
His boss appeared quite pleased.

FIN.


End file.
